The Truth about the Orchestra.
(More blog entries from bbirney)
The members of the orchestra are divided into four sections: woodwinds, brass, strings, and percussion. There's also someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at all. This would be the conductor. It is generally assumed that the conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work. Not so. Rather, the conductor is necessary because the four groups would rather eat Velveeta than have anything to do with someone from another section. And, as we know, musicians are quite serious about their food.
Why all the animosity? Before I begin my explanation, let me set the record straight in plain English about some of the characteristics which typify the four groups.Woodwind players have IQ's in the low- to mid-genius range. Nerds with coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers tend to be extremely quiet, cowering behind bizarre-looking contraptions – their instruments – so nobody will notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a wind player is male or female.
Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone with the possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like to slick their hair back. Nobody knows why.
String players are neurotic prima donnas who won't even shake your hand for fear of personal injury. They never look you in the eye, and never bathe carefully… or often.
Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and the woodwinds. They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table manners of all the musicians. They are always male, or close enough.
Now, is it any wonder that orchestra members have little to do with anyone outside of their own section? For the answer to this and other pertinent questions we will need to examine the individual instrument and the respective – if not respected – players within each section. The woodwinds:
Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumors from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly instrument. They suffer from a severe Santa Claus complex, staying up for long hours into the late night carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world's greatest reed. Oboists can't drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them feel somewhat special.
English horn players are losers although they dress better than oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.
Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but they come on so sweet that it's really hard to catch them at their game. Here's an instrument that's better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon plays only one or two notes per piece and therefore is only heard for about a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs – their only real concern – they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy.
The contrabassoon, on the other hand, generally plays the same numbers as the tuba, but not quite so loud and beautiful.
Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time getting along with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won't stop them from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The bass flute is not even worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance.
The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports cars. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don't need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys – nobody knows why. Don't ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal. The brass:
Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I'll admit, though, they do look good when they're all cleaned up. They'll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They're worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenseless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don't think so.
Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don't shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good bowlers. This is true.
The French horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They'll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, wife, or all of the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to life for and aren't afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn't smell so sweet.
The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They'd give you the shirt off their back. They're also the most interesting people to bring into the bathtub with you. It's a crying shame that there's only one per orchestra. Would that it could be different. Now, the strings:
The violin, undoubtedly the most beautiful of all instruments. Violin players are put under the most pressure and consequently have to work the hardest, peppering their resumes with this conductor and that concert hall. They operate under a small set of rules: be sure to leave your practice room door slightly ajar so everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions, tune at every opportunity, and make sure everyone knows who made your violin, how old it is, and exactly how much you paid for it.
Viola. The runt and brunt of the orchestra, and need we say any more?
Cellists are all incredibly hideous people who play that instrument simply because, when in use, the cello hides eighty percent of its player's considerable bulk. Other than that, cellists aren't too much of a bother, though they all tend to be nearsighted. Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own lunch.
The folks who play the double bass tend to be shy and gentle – probably as a result of having worked their way up through the ranks of a moving company. Their instruments are agreeable enough, despite the fact that you need at least a dozen of them to produce any audible sound. They're nice enough, but, then again, why do they drive such small cars?
Harpists are gorgeous. And they know it. Often times, they live on into their mid-eighties without so much as a wrinkle on their perfect faces. Male harpists, while rare as hen's teeth, are equally beautiful. Harpists primarily spend their time perfecting their little-lost-lamb look, to snare an unsuspecting wind player into lugging around their heavy gilded furniture. Debussy was right – harpists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Pianists sit all the time when they play and consequently have the biggest butts in the whole orchestra. Most of the time, their vindictive, snide nature prevails except when told that they missed a note, or two, or a cadence, or two, or more. The excuse is always the same one: they've never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.
And finally – the percussion. These standoffish fools get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don't deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is that there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory. Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them – to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well feel like it and it's always too damn loud! The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence play timpani, or kettle drums.
Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettle drums pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped conductor.
The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he's also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don't practice – I guess they figure it's bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert.
Whole percussion sections can be seen now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant challenge to a percussionist.
And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the orchestra. This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And so the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives are than yours. This is surely what's on their minds… if anything.
